I am sitting hear, crying! I cannot specifically tell you why I am crying. It could be that every emotion is crashing down. It could be that sometimes my body can only take so much. Some may call it a spiritual warfare...it could even be guilt of not feeling enough. It could be that I demand too much out of myself, or perhaps this entire covid ordeal, has finally caught up with me. Who knows, right?
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This is what I know for sure. Every time since the stay home order has been lifted, and its Sunday and my family and I are getting ready for church, somethings have been happening. This is the pattern...First, I wake up and feel overtired even after having almost 8 hours of sleep. May be too much sleep is a problem! Second, I have this clear thought in my mind, I do not feel like going to church. I look at the time, then I am like I just do not feel like going. As I look around and most the time on the weeks we have our older kiddos, they are dressed and ready. Then, I say to myself, we can do this. We can make it to church.
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Twice now on the way to church, my husband and I get into a silly arguments. Things that do not even matter. Even, when I feel like my point is justified, how is it these conversations are happening on the way to church. I always feel terrible. I walk in church with a heavy heart and I ask God to forgive me for not giving grace to my spouse and for getting upset. So, then we worship and I always start to feel better.
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This is the most amazing thing that happens. It doesn't matter who speaks, the message every time pin points to the argument I just had with my husband. I smile to God and tell Him thank you for correcting me. I keep looking at my amazing husband that I love so much, and usually we are able to meet eyes, or squeeze each other's hands. There is peace that comes from repentance. I know it is hard to say sorry, but I have decided that I will shine light on the evil, that I will not give evil room to hide, even if that means being vulnerable with others.
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I found a quiet place where I can listen to Gospel music in hopes to stop crying. I Youtubed Gospel Thank you Music. Today's church message was about having a grateful heart and thanking God in all situations. The funny part is that I was complaining on my way to church. God knows what we need and when we need it. He feeds us, but He will not force us to eat.
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So, why am I crying? I cannot really say the root cause. I just know that I need to get back to my first love. My intimacy with Jesus. He is all that I got. I have no one else, and nothing else that can measure up to Him. You can count on Him too when all fails. He is there when things are good, and He is when they are bad. He is knocking on the doors of your heart right NOW, will you let Him in?
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